Neymar retires from soccer, teams with Mister Fantastic to create perpetual motion machine
MOSCOW – The perpetual motion machine is now a reality, according to renowned scientist and superhero Reed Richards, aka Mister Fantastic.
“I can’t believe how simple the solution is,” said the scientific genius, who demonstrates special aptitude in mathematics, physics, and mechanics. “All it took was for me to watch him (Neymar) play.”
A visionary theoretician and an inspired machine smith, Richards has made breakthroughs in such varied fields as space travel, time travel, extra-dimensional travel, biochemistry, robotics, computers, synthetic polymers, communications, mutations, transportation, holography, energy generation, and spectral analysis, among others.
While Richards’ patents are so valuable that he is able to bankroll the Fantastic Four, Inc., without any undue financial stress, a fully functional perpetual motion machine has always eluded him, until now.
“I struggled for years,” said Richards. “I had one prototype where I strapped a slice of buttered toast to the back of my cat Fluffy with the intent of dropping him, but realized Sue might not be happy about that.”
Richards nearly gave up on the idea of perpetual motion until he watched Neymar in the World Cup.
“It’s unbelievable how he keeps rolling,” said Richards. “All we need is to keep him levitated with a force field and he’ll roll forever. I have just the right turbine in mind for this.”
While Neymar’s rolling has been slammed by fans and critics around the globe, Richards has found inspiration.
“The first law of thermodynamics is the law of conservation of energy,” said Richards. “It states that energy can be neither created nor destroyed, rather, it simply changes from one form to another. We always thought it was impossible to build perpetual motion machines.”
But Neymar’s rolling has changed the fundamental laws of physics.
“He’s (Neymar) played about 360 minutes of soccer,” said Richards. “And spent about 14 of those minutes rolling on the field after sustaining devastating injuries. I feel bad he’s in so much agony but he’s forming perfectly fast, tight rotations that when harnessed properly can produce clean, unlimited energy.”
Conventional physics states that to keep a perpetual machine moving, the energy applied should stay with the machine without any losses. Because of this fact alone, it is impossible to build perpetual motion machines.
“Neymar himself is the perpetual motion machine,” said Richards. “I have Ben (Grimm, aka Thing) give him a solid slide tackle…Neymar drops to the deck and rolls, and I transfer that motion into the turbines. It’s diabolically simple. I’m angry at myself for not thinking of it earlier.”
But then again, Richards hadn’t seen Neymar play until this World Cup.
“I need to thank Tony (Stark, who bought out several VIP boxes for the World Cup matches) for inviting me to catch the tournament. You just never know when inspiration hits. I am honoured to have Neymar announce his retirement from soccer to use his superpowers and provide clean, unlimited energy for the world.”
Neymar has not responded to interview requests, seemingly still upset over his team’s loos to Belgium. Sources close to the Paris Saint-Germain superstar reveal Neymar is happy to finally embrace his destiny as a global hero.
“He (Neymar) is pleased to be able to end the planet’s reliance on fossil fuels and help the environment,” said the source. “He’s selfless that way, and it’s good to give.”